Monday, September 15, 2014


They are unpredictable and hold you captive until you wake up. After you wake up you are not sure that you want to go back to sleep. Last night I had a dream that shook me up, reminding me of things I try to forget.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Remembering Mr. Black

Occasionally I will see some of the post titles I have written when looking at the Stats page in Blogger. There are some 782 blog entries I have penned over the last 5 years, however, several of those have never been published. At times when I see a few of the "Post Titles" it looks as if someone who wasn't all there came up with the title. I suppose the subject matter I write about here doesn't always lend me to be the happy-go-lucky easy going, joke cracking person those at work and other places know me to be. This is a part of my life and past I keep tucked out of sight so as not to upset those around me.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Good Days, Bad Days

The last few days have been kind of rough. A lot of flashbacks dealing with Mr. P.'s friend Paul and the things he did to me and the things he forced me to do to him. I just as well have been a little whore for the things I was expected to do and be used for. Never paid a penny for the pleasures and jollies I provided for two older men. I wish I would forget about that time in my life, but flashbacks and vivid memories don't assist me very much with that wish.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Five Years Ago

Five years ago on this date I broke my 38 years of silence. Looking back it is hard to think it took me so many years to finally tell somebody the things that had been done to me by two older men when I was 12 years old. So many of the memories of that time in my life are still quite vivid today - others I keep blurry because they are the more painful memories of the things Paul did to me and the way he treated me.

Sunday, June 29, 2014


14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. 17 Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. 18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. 19 Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” 20 To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.  Romans 12:14-21 ESV

It is a powerful word and an extremely painful experience. It is one of the more agonizing forms of humiliation that can be done to a person as the perpetrator(s) take total control over you and dominate you into complete submission. The sexual component makes it all the harder to deal with afterward. 

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Remembering Gym Class

I was looking through my journal after adding something to it today. Not everything I write is in this blog. 

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Working On Forgiveness

One of the topics I have worked on the last 4+ years in therapy is forgiveness. In some ways it seems unfair to have to work on something towards another involving a traumatic event that shattered my life when I was 12 years old. It seems like a great imposition to have to consciously work on doing something to help fix so many problems I did not start, but were initiated by another. Many days it is easier to hate than to love, to hold a grudge rather than forgive. However, as I continue to work on forgiveness it helps me release much of the pain that has held me in bondage for so many years.

Monday, May 5, 2014

Dealing With The Painful Past

When I first started writing this blog, the one man I never forgot for 38 years was Mr. P. The one image I did the best at blocking from my memory and thoughts was his friend Paul, however, pairs of men often were seen in my memories dealing with Mr. P. I am still working on forgiving Paul for the things he did to me, the way he treated me, the threats he made against my life. It has been easier to forgive Mr. P. because I do have some more pleasant memories of our time together when I overlook the more traumatic things he ended up putting me through. He treated me a little better than Paul, however, he didn't protect me from Paul.

Monday, April 14, 2014

The Terror Of Paul

Still living with the memories of the past. Often I wish that I will forget and not be troubled and upset by the things that took place in Mr. P.'s house. While the memories don't have the same impact on my life today as they did almost five years ago, to say they no longer bother me or upset me would be a lie. One thing I have learned in the last five years is I can control better how I react when the most traumatic memories resurface and are replayed in full detail in my mind when triggered. It is easy at that time to slip into victim mode and become extremely angry and bitter, slipping out of survivor mode where I better process the emotions and anger. I still deal with many anger issues related to the more traumatic things that took place in Mr. P.'s house.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Stepping Out Of The Safety Zone

It has been awhile since I last posted anything here. I still continue in my journey of recovery and healing many memories of the past and the things broken in my life from the things that took place in Mr. P.'s house.

I had a rather rude awakening last week while talking to a friend that not all is well in my head concerning Mr. P.'s house. I was telling him that I recently felt I was stuck, something I had shared with my counselor the night before. The feelings of being stuck come from recurring dreams and thoughts concerning Mr. P.'s house. As he was asking me some questions my mind drifted a little deeper into Mr. P.'s house taking me out of my safety zone. I had a momentary flashback dealing with the more frightening things Mr. P.'s friend Paul did with me. Those things that are more violent in nature that have nothing to do with love or concern for a young boy.