Sunday, March 15, 2015

Recurring Dreams

Even though I continue to work on moving forward and putting thoughts of Mr. P. and his friend Paul behind me, recurring dreams while I am asleep can still remind me of many things that took place in the past. There are the more violent dreams centered around the things Paul would do to me and the threats he told me he would carry out if I ever talked about him. Then there are the less threatening dreams.

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Another Year Passes

Another year has passed. The healing of the trauma experienced in Mr. P.'s house continues. While I still have dreams and flashbacks dealing with the things Paul did with and to me,  I am far better off today than I was over five years ago when I began this blog and this journey to finally face the things that happened to me when I was 12 years old.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

I Will Kill You If...

"I will kill you if..." Even today those words still haunt me in the back of my mind. Knowing someone said he would kill me if I ever told anyone about the things he did to me still stirs up emotions of fear and anger. Today most of the emotion is anger since I know Paul cannot reach out and physically kill me. It is frustrating how your mind can play against you in your dreams and have that person continually beat you up and threaten you. How do you forget something when so many of your dreams are a constant reminder of those things that were done to you and the perpetrator still threatens you in the dream? It is interesting that the only person in my dreams is not Mr. P. beating me up or threatening to kill me, only his friend Paul. While Mr. P. was very demanding, he never slapped me around to get what he wanted or threatened to kill me. He wasn't a saint by any stretch of the imagination, but he wasn't brutal the way his friend was.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

More Work To Be Done

I am confident that all of the memories dealing with my experience in Mr. P.'s house have come back. Many I know never totally went away. Memories of Mr. P. inviting me into his house with cookies and milk were always clear in my mind since day one. Chatting with him in his living room was never forgotten. Over the years I did manage to convince myself I only chatted with him one time even though other memories told me it was more than once. I didn't want to remember the sexual relationship he led me into because the whole thing was too emotionally painful and confusing. The shared experiences I had between Mr. P. and Paul were buried deep down in my mind because I didn't want to remember any of the things Paul did to me. I became an expert at being in denial, not only of the things that happened to me in Mr. P.'s house, but also as to my deteriorating state of mind in the present through July 2009. Today I am no longer in a state of denial.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Not A Pushy Salesman

Many things have changed for me in the last five years since I started writing this blog. Certain topics of concern I once wrote about don't bother me as much as they once did since I understand better as to why I have certain issues I deal with. There still remain many things I continue to process and work through that are more painful and harder to deal with.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

At Least Partially At Fault

Over the last 5 years I have had three therapists tell and remind me that I was not responsible or at fault for the things that happened to me in Mr. P.'s house. I do try to remind myself of that fact, especially when the "good" times are remembered and then muddied by the "bad" times. There often is a nagging voice in the back of my mind whispering, "It was YOUR fault the things that happened. If you didn't like it or felt uneasy and uncomfortable you should have just said "NO" and left immediately. When the voice doesn't make me believe I was totally at fault, it makes it easy for me to believe I was at least partially at fault.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Journals and Blogs

Sometimes I wish I would have kept a journal when I was 12 years old and kept written records of my time with Mr. P. As it is, I have to rely on the memories I have of those days and how I was affected by my time and experience with him. 

Monday, September 15, 2014

Dreams

They are unpredictable and hold you captive until you wake up. After you wake up you are not sure that you want to go back to sleep. Last night I had a dream that shook me up, reminding me of things I try to forget.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Remembering Mr. Black

Occasionally I will see some of the post titles I have written when looking at the Stats page in Blogger. There are some 782 blog entries I have penned over the last 5 years, however, several of those have never been published. At times when I see a few of the "Post Titles" it looks as if someone who wasn't all there came up with the title. I suppose the subject matter I write about here doesn't always lend me to be the happy-go-lucky easy going, joke cracking person those at work and other places know me to be. This is a part of my life and past I keep tucked out of sight so as not to upset those around me.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Good Days, Bad Days

The last few days have been kind of rough. A lot of flashbacks dealing with Mr. P.'s friend Paul and the things he did to me and the things he forced me to do to him. I just as well have been a little whore for the things I was expected to do and be used for. Never paid a penny for the pleasures and jollies I provided for two older men. I wish I would forget about that time in my life, but flashbacks and vivid memories don't assist me very much with that wish.