Over the past several months I followed the news stories concerning Jared Fogle and Russell Taylor and their involvement in child pornography and sex with minor children. As I read the news reports about Russell Taylor's sentencing hearing this past week it was brought out by his defense attorneys that he was a victim of an abusive childhood which included being sexually assaulted by a neighbor boy and that boy's father.
Thursday, November 13, 2014
"I will kill you if..." Even today those words still haunt me in the back of my mind. Knowing someone said he would kill me if I ever told anyone about the things he did to me still stirs up emotions of fear and anger. Today most of the emotion is anger since I know Paul cannot reach out and physically kill me. It is frustrating how your mind can play against you in your dreams and have that person continually beat you up and threaten you. How do you forget something when so many of your dreams are a constant reminder of those things that were done to you and the perpetrator still threatens you in the dream? It is interesting that the only person in my dreams is not Mr. P. beating me up or threatening to kill me, only his friend Paul. While Mr. P. was very demanding, he never slapped me around to get what he wanted or threatened to kill me. He wasn't a saint by any stretch of the imagination, but he wasn't brutal the way his friend was.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Five years ago on this date I broke my 38 years of silence. Looking back it is hard to think it took me so many years to finally tell somebody the things that had been done to me by two older men when I was 12 years old. So many of the memories of that time in my life are still quite vivid today - others I keep blurry because they are the more painful memories of the things Paul did to me and the way he treated me.
Sunday, June 29, 2014
14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. 17 Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. 18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. 19 Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” 20 To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Romans 12:14-21 ESV
It is a powerful word and an extremely painful experience. It is one of the more agonizing forms of humiliation that can be done to a person as the perpetrator(s) take total control over you and dominate you into complete submission. The sexual component makes it all the harder to deal with afterward.
Monday, April 14, 2014
Still living with the memories of the past. Often I wish that I will forget and not be troubled and upset by the things that took place in Mr. P.'s house. While the memories don't have the same impact on my life today as they did almost five years ago, to say they no longer bother me or upset me would be a lie. One thing I have learned in the last five years is I can control better how I react when the most traumatic memories resurface and are replayed in full detail in my mind when triggered. It is easy at that time to slip into victim mode and become extremely angry and bitter, slipping out of survivor mode where I better process the emotions and anger. I still deal with many anger issues related to the more traumatic things that took place in Mr. P.'s house.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
In my previous post I paraphrased what a local well known defense attorney said in an interview with a local TV station reporter who I share a first name with, but a different last name. After reviewing the original article I found that my paraphrase characterized in a different tone what the lawyer said perhaps making him look arrogant and uncaring. This was the same lawyer representing a man accused of rape involving an underage girl that I was called for possible jury duty selection back in 1999. I wrote about it in a post called, "The Idiot's Guide To Getting Out of Jury Duty."
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Many times after I have posted something here I wonder if some readers might think I am whining too about the past. I do often repeat myself in many posts. Those things I repeat seem to be some of the things that remain unresolved in my mind to some extent. Mr. P.'s friend Paul is something or someone I still keep at arms length. Even though I know he cannot hurt me or ever carry out his threat, I still try to push the memories I have of him away and tell myself he didn't hurt me. I still have nightmares concerning him and my trying to run away from danger and harm. In dreams your feet always seem to be encased in heavy lead shoes making running extremely difficult. While I don't see Paul's face, I do sense his presence and his wanting to kill me. Of course, that is contained all within my mind and played out in a dream while I sleep. I have also had flashbacks while awake taking me back into Mr. P.'s house, but those can be more easily controlled to some extent unless I drift off.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
I was sharing with some of the guys this morning at our meeting that I have implemented several boundaries that I need to adhere to in order to say sexually sober. I know many reading this would think I am crazy for doing so, that you should never put any limits on your freedom, especially when it comes to sex. Many say, "If it feels good, do it." Been there, done that." For me it has kept me a prisoner in Mr. P.'s house for over 38 years. Using sex as a way to escape the pain of the past has done nothing to help alleviate the painful memories or make me forget the past traumatic events in my life. If anything, it has kept me locked up in a very small cell with little freedom to move about freely.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Stuff like this is heartbreaking. It also triggers so many memories of the things that happened in Mr. P's house with pictures and sex. It also reminds me that I need to be vigilant and not repeat the things that were done to me since one of the men arrested was abused himself as a child.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Over the last couple of years I have had some books suggested to me for reading by BL's. So far I haven't read any of them since they are stories similar to mine of being led into a sexual relationship as a boy with an older man, in my case one that eventually involved another man as well at the same time. Even as I wrote out the previous sentence chills ran down my spine remembering Mr. P.'s friend Paul.