"I will kill you if..." Even today those words still haunt me in the back of my mind. Knowing someone said he would kill me if I ever told anyone about the things he did to me still stirs up emotions of fear and anger. Today most of the emotion is anger since I know Paul cannot reach out and physically kill me. It is frustrating how your mind can play against you in your dreams and have that person continually beat you up and threaten you. How do you forget something when so many of your dreams are a constant reminder of those things that were done to you and the perpetrator still threatens you in the dream? It is interesting that the only person in my dreams is not Mr. P. beating me up or threatening to kill me, only his friend Paul. While Mr. P. was very demanding, he never slapped me around to get what he wanted or threatened to kill me. He wasn't a saint by any stretch of the imagination, but he wasn't brutal the way his friend was.
Thursday, October 30, 2014
I am confident that all of the memories dealing with my experience in Mr. P.'s house have come back. Many I know never totally went away. Memories of Mr. P. inviting me into his house with cookies and milk were always clear in my mind since day one. Chatting with him in his living room was never forgotten. Over the years I did manage to convince myself I only chatted with him one time even though other memories told me it was more than once. I didn't want to remember the sexual relationship he led me into because the whole thing was too emotionally painful and confusing. The shared experiences I had between Mr. P. and Paul were buried deep down in my mind because I didn't want to remember any of the things Paul did to me. I became an expert at being in denial, not only of the things that happened to me in Mr. P.'s house, but also as to my deteriorating state of mind in the present through July 2009. Today I am no longer in a state of denial.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Many things have changed for me in the last five years since I started writing this blog. Certain topics of concern I once wrote about don't bother me as much as they once did since I understand better as to why I have certain issues I deal with. There still remain many things I continue to process and work through that are more painful and harder to deal with.
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Over the last 5 years I have had three therapists tell and remind me that I was not responsible or at fault for the things that happened to me in Mr. P.'s house. I do try to remind myself of that fact, especially when the "good" times are remembered and then muddied by the "bad" times. There often is a nagging voice in the back of my mind whispering, "It was YOUR fault the things that happened. If you didn't like it or felt uneasy and uncomfortable you should have just said "NO" and left immediately. When the voice doesn't make me believe I was totally at fault, it makes it easy for me to believe I was at least partially at fault.
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Monday, September 15, 2014
Thursday, September 4, 2014
Occasionally I will see some of the post titles I have written when looking at the Stats page in Blogger. There are some 782 blog entries I have penned over the last 5 years, however, several of those have never been published. At times when I see a few of the "Post Titles" it looks as if someone who wasn't all there came up with the title. I suppose the subject matter I write about here doesn't always lend me to be the happy-go-lucky easy going, joke cracking person those at work and other places know me to be. This is a part of my life and past I keep tucked out of sight so as not to upset those around me.
Sunday, August 17, 2014
The last few days have been kind of rough. A lot of flashbacks dealing with Mr. P.'s friend Paul and the things he did to me and the things he forced me to do to him. I just as well have been a little whore for the things I was expected to do and be used for. Never paid a penny for the pleasures and jollies I provided for two older men. I wish I would forget about that time in my life, but flashbacks and vivid memories don't assist me very much with that wish.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Five years ago on this date I broke my 38 years of silence. Looking back it is hard to think it took me so many years to finally tell somebody the things that had been done to me by two older men when I was 12 years old. So many of the memories of that time in my life are still quite vivid today - others I keep blurry because they are the more painful memories of the things Paul did to me and the way he treated me.
Sunday, June 29, 2014
14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. 17 Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. 18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. 19 Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” 20 To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Romans 12:14-21 ESV
It is a powerful word and an extremely painful experience. It is one of the more agonizing forms of humiliation that can be done to a person as the perpetrator(s) take total control over you and dominate you into complete submission. The sexual component makes it all the harder to deal with afterward.