Still living with the memories of the past. Often I wish that I will forget and not be troubled and upset by the things that took place in Mr. P.'s house. While the memories don't have the same impact on my life today as they did almost five years ago, to say they no longer bother me or upset me would be a lie. One thing I have learned in the last five years is I can control better how I react when the most traumatic memories resurface and are replayed in full detail in my mind when triggered. It is easy at that time to slip into victim mode and become extremely angry and bitter, slipping out of survivor mode where I better process the emotions and anger. I still deal with many anger issues related to the more traumatic things that took place in Mr. P.'s house.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
It has been awhile since I last posted anything here. I still continue in my journey of recovery and healing many memories of the past and the things broken in my life from the things that took place in Mr. P.'s house.
I had a rather rude awakening last week while talking to a friend that not all is well in my head concerning Mr. P.'s house. I was telling him that I recently felt I was stuck, something I had shared with my counselor the night before. The feelings of being stuck come from recurring dreams and thoughts concerning Mr. P.'s house. As he was asking me some questions my mind drifted a little deeper into Mr. P.'s house taking me out of my safety zone. I had a momentary flashback dealing with the more frightening things Mr. P.'s friend Paul did with me. Those things that are more violent in nature that have nothing to do with love or concern for a young boy.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Towards the end of 2013 I was asked if I would consider transferring to a different location to help get the department I oversee put back in order at that particular location. I was given a few days to think it over and decided I would accept the challenge. Some of my colleagues at the location I would soon be leaving thought I was crazy to transfer to a location known for a higher crime rate and violence. A few others thought I was being pushed out, however, I wasn't. The choice was mine to make and I was told I didn't have to go if I didn't want to. I have found in the business world there are those times when change can be good and it is even easier when you don't have to ask, but are asked kindly.
Friday, January 3, 2014
Happy New Year!
It has been awhile since I have written anything here. Time never stands still and life moves forward.
It is hard to believe that it is now 2014. Back when I was a kid in the 20th century, dates like this were reserved for science fiction books and movies. I am now living in the future I once watched on TV or read about in books. While some things have come to pass that were written about in science fiction many other things have not.
Friday, October 11, 2013
It can be hard figuring out how to write what is perhaps the last post of a blog that I have been writing the last four years. It is not that I have run out of things to share about Mr. P. or his friend Paul. There are more details as to many of the things they did, however, those details really would add no new information. I know it doesn't take a brain surgeon or rocket scientist to figure out it was not a healthy environment I found myself in as a twelve year old boy.
Sunday, October 6, 2013
I have been thinking about starting a new blog, something totally different than this blog. For the last four years I have sifted through the many memories of the relationship that Mr. P. led me into when I was eleven years old and ended when I was twelve years old after quitting my paper route.
Friday, October 4, 2013
To look at me and to talk with me you would not know I deal with mental illness. It is not a severe case, as I am able to function and stay employed. I work with other people who struggle with mental illness and are far worse off than I am given the amount of medication they take to remain functional. It is not much fun to think about having a mental illness, so for the most part I don't, though that does not make it totally go away. High blood pressure is a "nicer" illness to deal with and isn't as frightening to the general public when mentioned, but left untreated has devastating consequences. It is easier to diagnose and treat than mental illnesses. The thing I probably dislike the most is going in and out of depression. The swings are not nearly as intense as they once were, but they still occur. I know much of the depression and mood swings has to do with so many of the memories of the things that took place in Mr. P.'s house. We are working to lessen the effects those memories and emotions have on me today when they become more intense.
Monday, September 30, 2013
I thought I would close out the month with a couple of pictures I took the other day. The first one is a picture of an Argiope aurantia also known as a black and yellow garden spider, a writer spider, or a corn spider. It must be in trouble with the law having so many alias's.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
In my previous post I paraphrased what a local well known defense attorney said in an interview with a local TV station reporter who I share a first name with, but a different last name. After reviewing the original article I found that my paraphrase characterized in a different tone what the lawyer said perhaps making him look arrogant and uncaring. This was the same lawyer representing a man accused of rape involving an underage girl that I was called for possible jury duty selection back in 1999. I wrote about it in a post called, "The Idiot's Guide To Getting Out of Jury Duty."
Friday, September 27, 2013
I am not sure how many times I have written about anger issues I still deal with. Often I have no idea what is going to cause a small explosion of anger deep within me. It isn't an anger that then causes me to immediately break something or run to something to medicate the painful emotions underlying the anger, but left unchecked or swept under the rug it slowly increases in negative thoughts, resentment, and bitterness.