Thursday, September 23, 2010

A Love Story

I was looking back through some of my older posts because I saw a typo in one of my titles. As I briefly scanned through what I had written, I could see the change in my emotions anywhere from upset, angry, depressed, or happy. Depending on what the emotion was, it set the content for the story. I could write a very technical blog on sexual abuse, full of facts and figures, but I have decided to write from the heart and not the head. There is little passion when you write from the head.

I saw one story that I wrote talking about the love/hate relationship I had with Mr. P. I guess it is hard to think there was any love at one time, but there was. The love was shattered when Paul entered the relationship. Last year my brother (the former wild child) sent me an email. In it he said from reading my blog that I had an attachment to Mr. P. when I was 12. I guess it does make it more painful when something severs that attachment to another.

I shared some information with a new acquaintance in an email the other day. I told him that there are multiple stories in my blog. The dominant story describes the sexual abuse I experienced since that is how I view it because Mr. P. brought his friend Paul in who did many things to me without my consenting to it. Because of that I have suffered for 38+ years of deep emotional pain. There is another story woven into the fabric of the blog which is a love story of sorts. A coming of age story of a 12 year old paperboy befriended by an older man. He was slowly guided into what appeared to be a loving and caring relationship that was sexual. Another man was brought into the love story who wasn't very kind and caring. The boy's heart was literally broken and eventually he had to run away from the things being done to him, not out of shame, but out of fear. We all want love stories to have a happy ending, I'm sure you do. What happened to me didn't end in, "and he lived happily ever after."

I am not sure what recourse there is for the boy who has been harmed in a Man-Boy Love relationship. I guess he just becomes collateral damage and is thrown out on the curb for trash pickup. Of course, I am speaking about myself as I was a boy who was harmed. I think Mr. P. was given a chance to do something to make right what he had done wrong when I saw him in the grocery store that one day after I had left him. He chose to do nothing but try and get me back into something I fled from out of fear that the abuse was going to only get worse and worse.

I recently added some words to my picture and a caption below it in case you can't read the small print in the picture. Ever since I left Mr. P., I often ask myself the question, "Can I ever trust anybody to love me again?"

2 comments:

  1. I was 12 when I had a sexual relationship with a Jr. High teacher who was a young 20 something. I am fortunate. I have only warm memories of those times. I was never forced into anything, never photographed and it was always only my friend and me. After I turned 16 and got my drivers license, our relationship gradually faded. I still see him from time to time and my wife knows all about my "first love." I am not bitter or ashamed. Life goes on. I like the boy I was, and I am satisfied with the man I am. I hope you can get to that place too. Your separation was violent and humiliating and that's an experience I never suffered. I hope you can get past your hurt and have a good, happy life as you deserve. That 12 year old boy still lives somewhere inside you, and he was, and is, a good kid!

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  2. Your brother was right, it is an emotional attachment that turned sexual. You may have "loved" but the other side was a predator who saw you only as an object, You were used, abused and then thrown into the gutter.

    This is the truth of 99% of all such relationships. BL is an illusion, hiding the truth of predation on children for personal sexual gratification.

    It is the attachment, backed by humiliation and betrayal, that is a core issue you have.

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